What in the world is up with this non-sense?
Can we talk about it for a minute?
For context, today has been an incredible day (and quite honestly, a good week - which is hard for me to admit sometimes). On maternity leave soaking in baby cuddles (when she's not sleeping, pooping, or screaming. Though all of these happen while I snuggle her, let's be real), Jason is my rock, I've been reading more, grabbing coffee and talking with people I adore, and some other random things that bring me joy.
Then, at the drop of a hat - shit hits the fan.
I see "that person" living "that life" that seems perfectly balanced with some things I assumed I would have in my life by now. Sure, they talk of hard times, but seriously? Really?
Suddenly I'm questioning the joy I just had and my mind can't get a grip on my own reality:
Why is my family not close like that? Why don't we have that house? Why don't they have acne scars? Why can't I have that for our daughter? Why does it seem everything we do right to better our lives puts us ten steps backwards? Do I have a higher calling? What is my purpose? When will I know what I want to do with my life? Is what I do impacting anyone out there at all?
I know what you're thinking: my gosh, Kimber, get a grip and just have some gratitude.
*slow clap* never would have thought of that, thank you Betty for the suggestion.
It takes me a second (okay, like half an hour after mindless scrolling, curling up in fetal position on the couch and eating whatever form of chocolate I have in the apartment), but I get there - to the point where I stop self-loathing and comparing, wipe my face (my mascara is definitely not water-proof), pick up where I left off with my pursuits and get going hard on what I have been given because I don't take what I have for granted in any which way.
Here's what I remembered (eventually) today.
Some days, the good days, the picture is clear: we know what we're called to do, we know what hats we wear, we are passionate about all of the things we have on the to-do list today because we are for certain that in the grand scheme of things, it is toward the bigger goals we set for ourselves, heck, some we already met even outside of our control and hallelu for that (sure, some of that passion may be the high from that coffee you had earlier - but it's passion none-the-less).
On days like this, it's important for us to write down on our bathroom mirrors, put a note to ourselves on our phones or a sticky-note in our planner for the following day and week because we won't know where our thoughts or circumstances will be - no matter how well of a planner you are.
It's on the other days - the days where hope is difficult to hold to, when you feel inadequate or unfit for what you were once before sure you were meant for, when you believe you are a nuisance to those you love and it seems you rarely feed into those you want to so badly encourage.
It's on these days, I think, when we are sinking into a sand trap that we need the notes of our past selves, the voice of trusted friends, and an be open to possibility when it feels like sinking deeper into doubt is the answer.
Don't forget - at the end of the day, only you can make the change(s) you want to see in order to lessen your fears or pursue and speak for your wants and needs. You are your own priority, and believe it or not, can decide what and who you will allow to affect you.
Believe me when I say it won't be as simple as it sounds - you can't snap your fingers into a positive mindset or read an "inspiration pillow" at Marshall's and suddenly the load is off your shoulders. It takes a repetitive, intentional thought and action toward benefiting what you need, before what you want.
You don't need permission. You don't need different circumstances.
However, I think we need reminding (especially in a culture where we are consumed by ourselves) that it's okay to ask for help. Preaching to the choir here because I absolutely, positively hate asking for help. I think it portrays me as weak, needy, unable to hustle and do the work alone. Matter of fact, it's really the contrary: it shows humility, stamina, community-driven and aware of your self worth.
Nobody can do the work only you can do - but they sure can support you, encourage you, push you and talk truth when you're constantly telling yourself no.
Our people are what makes us capable of more.
So where are you? If it's in the thick of the mundane, chaos, or a lovely mixture of both - it's where you are meant to be. We never see the whole picture except in seasons. You'll see why you're feeling useless or why you're going through this hardship no one around you seems to understand soon enough and think, "ah, that's it". If you're high on life (or that third espresso shot), hold onto that knowledge of what you're capable of and the work you're doing right now.
I say to you what every sign in restaurant hallways and in-laws restrooms proclaim:
You are meant for this.
You were made for this.
That person you see on Instagram? That's their story and you were never meant to live it.
So don't beat yourself up for not having this, or looking like that, or whatever else it is you find yourself "missing out on".
You were meant for where you are, as you are, and are going oh so many places. You are lovely and quarky and have some sass. Please know you still have purpose in the rough patches. It takes slow movement along moments of complete and utter silence.
Embrace your place - sand or stone - for both will be just for a season, and can be the first step to finding gladness and deterring the bitter roots of comparison.
The One Who Doesn't Know What She's Doing